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“One Day I Will…”

I push through and work to free myself from the frozen cold

fighting to live and grow

at last I am freed from the wintery grip of the ground

I am able to burst forth adding color to the dreary days

ushering in a new season

The Crocus – by Buffy 4/1/18

As the time drifts by faster and faster every year I find myself circling back to the idea of minimizing the things I have held on to for most of my life.  I always said “one day I will…” you know the saying; I think we all have collected or gathered things in our lives with the intent that “one day” we “would do” – SOMETHING…

  • read the book, magazine or a blog
  • write the novel
  • paint the picture
  • exercise, ride my bike, use that treadmill, etc
  • go on vacation, see that place
  • call my friend
  • repair that chair
  • make that recipe
  • catch up on laundry
    • you name it I am sure it is out there on someone’s “One Day List.

I have decided it is time to minimize, focus and complete those things that I am capable of managing within the hours of the day I have for myself…diligently attempt to complete those things I have for years, in some cases, put off, ignored or just didn’t make the time to accomplish. Spring being here always seems to drive that home-body instinct to clean, organize and start fresh.  Like the crocus that fights through the frozen ground and snow to bring beautiful color to the dreary gray days I emerge from my own winter doldrums eager for change.

My first goal is to regularly blog because it has been a true form of release, relaxation and healing for me.  I have been so horrible at time management over the years with regard to my focus on things that bring me creative, mental and emotional joy – – the little chores and responsibilities of everyday life have taken priority – – I hold so much within myself and get anxious about so many things I allow myself to become overwhelmed by life in general – like many of us – it gets to be too much! I am trying to encourage my husband to do the same but he has to come to his own self-awareness and resolutions.  Control what is within your capability to control and change the things you can – let everything else fall by the way side.

What I accomplished this week:

  1. laundry – 6 loads (no not ALL the clothes are put away…but all the loads were done in ONE day!)
  2. cleaning out and organizing the ‘plastic containers, lids and stuff’ in many of my kitchen cabinets (still a work in progress)
  3. blogged several times and posted to Twitter, Instagram and FB
  4. Photographed new earrings I made; put them on my webpage and remade my Meg fossilized shark tooth necklace in a new copper wrap
  5. cleaned out almost every one of my email inboxes – still a WIP – there is a lot in them
  6. played with my dog almost every single day and took her for 2 long walks
  7. read some posts on buddhist and mindfulness sites
  8. actually cleaned and moisturized my face EVERY morning and evening!!! miracles can happen people
  9. some other stuff I have been putting off or beating myself up for NOT doing!!!!!

These things may seem ridiculous but when you sit down and think about what you have accomplished instead of what you haven’t – – it makes you feel a lot better!  So instead of thinking “I didn’t get …. done” – – our new thought and statement will be “To Be Continued…” 


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Spring=Renewal – – It’s Time for a Change…

Spring is a great time for renewal of the self.  As all around us there is new life emerging, plants are growing and nature in it’s majesty is putting on display the brilliance of bright hues of beautiful color … so too should we!

With the challenges in life, the roller coaster of uncertainty and frenetic pace in which time seems to lapse it is easy to become lost, disillusioned and depressed.  We can easily neglect our personal needs…physical, emotional and mental.  These are some of the feelings I have experienced lately and I try not to chide myself too harshly for falling off the proverbial wagon of mindfulness and positivity…however…like all of you I am human and suffer from my ‘struggles’ or simply life in general – challenges or opportunities; whichever you wish to identify them as – some days obviously are better than others in most instances.

It is important to put forth your best effort every day, live each day to the fullest and be in the moment…but all too often the last few months it has become too easy to do the opposite and succumb to negative thoughts, feelings and mindset.

I suffered a major loss in my life a couple years ago, it was a pivotal moment.  Subsequent to that there were multiple betrayals by people who you would not expect to act in such ways…it has been an uphill battle to overcome my anger and disappointment with these individuals and ironically their removal from my life was like the lifting of a negative pressing weight I had been unknowingly carrying.    Their true selves emerged and letting go of them was beneficial to my wellbeing, however I was angry and disappointed because they did not only betray me…they betrayed the person who we lost and their actions were so underhanded I was sickened to be associated with them.  Good riddance to bad rubbish…yes – but that doesn’t mean I forgive them for what they did, nor has my anger with them subsided greatly.  I don’t wish them ill, I wish them what they karmically deserve for the horrible things they have said and done to those I care for…myself included.

Professionally  I was also betrayed and now I find myself struggling, second guessing my decisions, life and so forth – you know that horrible downward spiral that inevitably pulls you into its grasp, dragging down your thoughts, spirit and attitude.  Compound my own challenges with my loving husband’s professional issues as well and here we have the perfect storm.  It feels a lot like the good guys never win…  so to speak.

I know holding onto negativity will require letting go and moving on but as I enjoy this spring day I wonder how many others also feel as I do?  Truly hoping for the inner strength to let go, move on and continue to see every day as an opportunity…not dwell or ruminate on the what happened and could have been in our lives…

Everything happens for a reason, I do believe this, but I wonder at the why and how more often these last few months…I have strayed from my purpose somehow and allowed the negative to overwhelm me.  I make a promise to myself to emerge from this cloud of doubt, disappointment and negativity…I will delve into self-care, creativity and work my way back to mindfulness and a positive outlook.

Wishing everyone the ability to take the lead from Mother Nature in this beautiful spring time – shed the old as needed and experience a re-birth of sorts with a spiritual, mental and emotional renewal of bright colors and positivity!

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Being at Peace – Loss & Grief – A Struggle

A lot has happened in my life in recent months, many things that I would not have imagined to experience or be required to ‘deal’ with – The roller coaster of emotions and grief has left me contemplating so many aspects of my life, my past, memories, choices and emotional attachments.  The loss of my mother is still raw, deep and debilitating – not every day – but some days…grief is a process and while some time has passed the emotion and loss is fresh in many moments throughout my day.

I am not alone.  Each of us struggles with something in our lives that unsettles our balance.  Emotional pain, loss, stress, financial issues, feeling lost or wondering what our life is supposed to mean…

Finding something that motivates you in your work, inspiration in a form of art (poetry, painting, gardening…etc) is important.  Many of us have lost sight of what makes us happy, inspires and motivates us to achieve more – in whatever area you feel you need to gain; financially, spiritually, in a relationship or just being at peace with yourself in this moment in your life.

The people in your life should make you feel good, not tired, drained, distraught or overwhelmed. You should not have to second guess yourself, monitor your feelings, words or actions.  In grief and the recovery of loss we all lose something in our cognitive thought process.  It is strange and annoying but it happens.  Mistakes are made, thoughts tangled, feelings mixed…judging someone should not be an option – every individual must work through their loss and grief in their own way. Not everyone believes this, nor do they necessarily attempt to be supportive and understanding of how events are truly and deeply affecting someone. It is a sad reality that there is always one person who must give more of themselves and make sacrifices to appease or keep the peace with others. This unbalanced duality is real, not everyone understands what others are truly going through, so we make the best of each day and try to manage our lives in the best way possible under the circumstances that may or may not be of our own doing…

Should you feel or think badly because of the way in which you are handling your particular loss, working through your grief and trying to overcome the shadow of loss that lingers every day?  I am tired of attempting to prove myself to those who are not receptive or accepting of what it is that affects me.  When we cut the ties it is like a weight has been lifted…while you are not healed you do feel some release of tension because you can concentrate on your own recovery.  Toxic relationships whether casual or intimate in nature are not beneficial to anyone.  It is hard to let go and be who you are, who you need to be to move on with your life in a calmer and more peaceful state.

Is it possible to regain what has been lost?  Self identity, esteem, the trust and love of family or friends…Do you need to regain certain things if they are inherently bad for you?  Trying to understand what is going on with the people who are in your life can be taxing…is it worth the time to mend broken relationships after a betrayal, loss or other negative experience?  Do you put yourself on guard again by reopening the doors of the past, attempt to embrace those who have severely hurt you – whether they realize it or not?

Where do we go from here?  How can we move on?

Keep working to find peace, balance and belief in yourself.  Wish others well but never compromise your own principles in order to gain favor with them.  Time and again we have experienced the changes that happen in relationships when a loved one is lost to us…and we only hope that ‘this time’ will be different but human nature, the ugly side, rears its head and there we are again in the same negative situation with strained emotions, thoughts and relationships.  If someone does not support you or try to be there to comfort you, celebrate your successes or even acknowledge the meaningful events in your life – is it worth the effort and energy? Do you open yourself up again to the strain, pain and turmoil that was ever-present in the past or just let go and move on the best way you can in your own life?